seven dogs i drank nine beers in nine bars a tribute to nine women who wrecked me walking home i walked past the red house over yonder same one i’ve walked pass ninety-nine and one-half times before i stopped right there and thought, how drunk am i? so i did the math nine bars, nine beers, nine times nine is eighty-one in nineteen eighty-one i was nine years old and in the nineth hour of the nineth day of my nineth winter, i walked this very path with the same nine mailboxes on the sidewalk to the left and the same nine garden gnomes in the garden to the right ninety-nine and one-half newspapers piled up on the doorstep of the red house over yonder and that’s when i saw what i saw the thing that haunts me forever i saw seven dogs fighting in the alley for a leftover chicken bone seven brothers forgot their bond and surrendered to the hunger i saw their teeth grow long and their eyes grow sinister i saw mortal fear up close and personal and then i saw the blackest crow i ever saw swoop down and steal that chicken bone then perch high on a steeple, seven tail feathers pointed due east i saw seven dogs in disbelief seven dogs, one dead chicken and a tax collector in the blackest crow-feathered trench coat i ever saw nine creatures total
Author: phillip woodruff
caligula’s razor (a crash test dummy love story)
this poem turned out way better then i thought it would, when i get some instruments, i’m definitely doing this as a spoken word song.
here’s my head shot
here’s my bio
here’s a list of all the parts i play
these are the monsters i’ve slayed
this is what the hero likes to eat for lunch
don’t make him wait
is this a mystery? is this primetime crime?
where do i park my new sports car?
hey you, go put some wax on my new car
and my ass is ready for a close-up
with your lips
it’s a song you sing with your hips:
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(dance around on caligula’s razor)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(i forgot the plot, tell me again)
it’s a crash test dummy love story!
yeah buddy
here’s my head shot
here’s my bio
here’s the address you can send my fan mail
is this the script? someone rewrite it
with words i can swallow
till then, i’ll be in my trailer
is this a mystery? is this primetime crime?
someone tell the director his vision is weak
and get another close-up of my teeth
i’m the king of make-believe
and you can kiss my ring
and the groupies gather and sing:
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(dance around on caligula’s razor)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(look at that, i just won another oscar)
it’s a crash test dummy love story!
but really i’m just like you, im lonely like you, i’m a lowlife just like you and
my knees shake and i can’t take a joke and my soul is bankrupt and broke
this life is a beautiful lie i wear like a hat, i wear it in the rain and never get wet
but i’m all dried up inside, i need a friend and, wait, what’s my line again?
dance around on caligula’s razor
it’s a crash test dummy love story
coming soon
to a wasteland near you, and all the angels sing:
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(here’s my glass slipper, lets drink champagne from it)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(here’s my autograph, go sell it on craig’s list)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(and someone get these fucking fans away from me)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(seriously, i can’t be real today, i’m out of blow)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(hey, did you hear me? i’m not happy)
if some is good then more is better!
if some is good then more is better!
(there’s a dead hooker in the limo, can somebody do something about that?)
it’s a crash test dummy love story!
it’s a crash test dummy love story!
(it’s a crash test dummy love story!)
2021
posted for the sunday muse
jalopy dreams 