caligula’s razor (a crash test dummy love story)

this poem turned out way better then i thought it would, when i get some instruments, i’m definitely doing this as a spoken word song. 

here’s my head shot
                here’s my bio
here’s a list of all the parts i play
these are the monsters i’ve slayed 
this is what the hero likes to eat for lunch 
don’t make him wait
is this a mystery? is this primetime crime?
where do i park my new sports car?
hey you, go put some wax on my new car
and my ass is ready for a close-up
with your lips

it’s a song you sing with your hips:
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(dance around on caligula’s razor)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(i forgot the plot, tell me again)
        it’s a crash test dummy love story!

yeah buddy 

here’s my head shot
                here’s my bio
here’s the address you can send my fan mail
is this the script? someone rewrite it
with words i can swallow
till then, i’ll be in my trailer 
is this a mystery? is this primetime crime? 
someone tell the director his vision is weak
and get another close-up of my teeth
i’m the king of make-believe
and you can kiss my ring 

and the groupies gather and sing:
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(dance around on caligula’s razor)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(look at that, i just won another oscar)
        it’s a crash test dummy love story!

but really i’m just like you, im lonely like you, i’m a lowlife just like you and
my knees shake and i can’t take a joke and my soul is bankrupt and broke
this life is a beautiful lie i wear like a hat, i wear it in the rain and never get wet
but i’m all dried up inside, i need a friend and, wait, what’s my line again? 

        dance around on caligula’s razor

it’s a crash test dummy love story
                                coming soon

to a wasteland near you, and all the angels sing:
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(here’s my glass slipper, lets drink champagne from it)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(here’s my autograph, go sell it on craig’s list)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(and someone get these fucking fans away from me)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(seriously, i can’t be real today, i’m out of blow)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(hey, did you hear me? i’m not happy)
        if some is good then more is better!
        if some is good then more is better!
(there’s a dead hooker in the limo, can somebody do something about that?)
        it’s a crash test dummy love story! 
        it’s a crash test dummy love story! 
(it’s a crash test dummy love story!) 

2021

 

posted for the sunday muse

Published by

phillip woodruff

i live in colorado, i love poetry and fishing, i've never been to kentucky, i own 5 pairs of shoes, sometimes i drive too fast, i like craft beer, i own 37 fishing poles, i've never been to iceland, sometimes i drive too slow, right now there is a black bird outside my window, i stare at him and he stares at me

26 thoughts on “caligula’s razor (a crash test dummy love story)”

  1. First off, anything purporting to be a “crash test dummy love story” as per your title, has won me over already. (Sings “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” Oops, that's Crash Test Dummies with caps.) Now, was Caligula the one who wished for all his subjects a single neck, that he might behead them all at a stroke? That would fit. I really don't understand celebrity culture, and this skewers it as it deserves. Plus it's fun. I would comment further, but I have not been supplied with my mango flavored sparkling water in glass bottles as per my contract, and also, a scenery guy spoke to me, upsetting my wa.

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  2. A supple and sinuous song that snakes around and around with rhythmic, hypnotic moves, swirls of sarcasm, mists of pretense, and over all the primetime crime scene drops of blood splattered from caligula's razor all sparkly under the blue UV light of desperately seeking something that seems to pervade the current crinkly cellophane reality. Agree with Shay on the crash test dummy love story–what an image, whether the group or the material thing itself. Your chorus nails us to the wall of our own materialism with golden nails–a sharp, strong poem full of jagged edges in the honey. Especially liked “is this the script? someone rewrite it/with words i can swallow…” maybe because it seems like my life. Great job with the illusion theme, and everything else Phillip.

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  3. Phillip you are a mad scientist with pen and paper!! This is sarcasm at it's finest. I love how you spread this out for all to see!! So clever and wonderful!! Those stars can't see past their own nose cause they have stars in their eyes like a cartoon character!! Always delighted to see you at the Muse!!

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  4. Every time I read it, this is my favorite sound:“here’s a list of all the parts i playthese are the monsters i slay” ~Also “listen to all that honey drip.” Can’t wait to hear you perform it to music.

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  5. Liking this, Phil. Just a mad house in that production in progress.My favs are the “dancing around on caligula’s razor,” watch the edge.Especially when the groupies are singing it. I'll ask a couple of generations, I am betting that hardly anyone under 45 knows what a groupie is. I always say “Jesus has no groupies,” can't remember why I say this for sure…

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  6. “I have not been supplied with my mango flavored sparkling water in glass bottles as per my contract, and also, a scenery guy spoke to me, upsetting my wa.”… and there's a brown m&m mixing in with the green ones, i can't work like this. thanks shay =)

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